Monday, April 03, 2006

News Special: "Bird Flu, We're All Going to Die"

Bird Flu has hit the UK, the killer disease that has killed over 100 people so far hdas been found in a dead swan in Fife. Bird Flu can turn into a pandemic if it is maanges to mutate into human to human disease, a pandemic like the ones that killed 100,000s of people in the past, but that has not happend yet.....BUT IT MIGHT DO ANY TIME NOW.....though there is no need to panic....yet!!!!

Birds are also safe to eat, though sales of birds have dropped in Greece, France and Germany and any bird that is outside is at risk of catching the deadly disease, and these birds could be sold in your local shop, but they will be perfectly safe WHEN COOKED, however if your a vegetarn, like I just found out I am, a few minutes after the case of Bird Flu was found in the UK, then, and only then you have a chance of surviving, though even then it will be slim when it spreads from human to human.

The government has also been slow in reacting, it took them 8 days to do the tests and other stuff related to Bird Flu, dubbed "death flu" in some countries, well not really but we can say that because you won't bother to check, we think that the government is being too unreactive and they should drop everything for this one case of bird flu, education, the NHS, transport, the economy, or anything else is not important, what is important is this one case of bird flu, that might lead to the end of the world.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, by the way, did we forget to tell you that WHEN there is a pandemic there will not be enough vancine around and we will all DIE, because we wont get the vacine or the cure, because the government thinsk that spending more money on healthcare, education, law and order, the welfare state and making sure we have a good economy is more important then spending every single penny we have on getting every single piece of vacine into the UK.

Also your Pets will die, your pets are at risk, cats, dogs, parrots, pigs, ants and hamsters will all die, and then you will die too, especally if you have a parrot or a canery or any other bird as a pet, if you do, kill it, kill it now, Save your self, flush little Polly down the loo.

While we are at it, it would be safer to burn down all houses with birds in them and bird tables in their back or front gardens, thus stopping them infecting you and your family, the Lib Dems also need to be burnt, because their symbol is a bird and the bird will kill you.

We also urge you to go out right now and panic buy gas masks, face masks, radiation suits, cans of baked beans, air rifles, mil, cerael, , oragnes, apples and every other food, while destorying and burning all bird based products like chicken, turkey and bird custard.

The fact is, we will all die soon, while I am evacuating my family to the bunker I build under my house for the best part of 10 years, the producer is off to pray for mercy and forgiveness in the nearest church and the director is off to the airport to fly to some remote country in the hope of avioding dying from birds, though I warned him the roads and airports will be packed tomorrow with people fleeing Britain due to eh massive panic that the media has caused out of this single case of bird flu in Britain, and still while it hasn't spread between human and human. We do hope that you too find your way off this god forsaken Island before Bid Flu kills us all, or find a safe bunker or a safe palce to hide.

Unilt this Bird Flu that will destory everyone is over, we will keep going on and on and on about how dangerous and deadly it is and it might become until you do believe us and do panic, and then we will carry on causing and hyping up the panic so you will watch us some more, as we schedule countless special documentarys, currernt affairs programmes and "what if" programmes all spreading the same message that we are all doomed and their is nothing that can be done about it now and simular programmes will be shown on every channel to make sure there is no escaping the media hyped message of death that bird flu might bring, simular to the hype we did around SARs, only on a much bigger scale, and until another deadly disase threaterns to kill us all but does not, this is good bye and good luck with writting all your wills, but there is no point because there be no-one left to leave your wealth too, because they will die too...oh, and coming up next is the hit horror film...The Birds.....good bye and don't have nightmares..

Ironic Fact:

Spanish Flu, the epidemic that killed 50 million people in 1918/9, was known as French Flu in Spain.